Bad Day

The past few days/weeks have been on the tough side for me. Today the weather was grey, grey, grey. Dark and thick and grey, which did not help the situation.

I have to admit my nasty thoughts and emotions have gotten the better of me today. Feeling like a loser, and that all the things I hope for are never going to happen. Never going to buy a house. Never going to find a job I really like. That my ideas for this blog are too stupid to even try. Always going to have health issues and depression. Never going to have a good marriage or children. Writing it now and looking at it, I can see how dramatic and ridiculous it sounds, but it has felt real nonetheless.

In the past, a day like this would put me out for a week or more. I would have been on the couch for at least a few days and stuck in the negative thinking pattern for much longer, believing most of it. I would be draining my friends and family then beating myself up and feeling guilty about it. I would start to believe that I am too much work as a person, that people don't want to be around me and I don't deserve to be loved. It would be too overwhelming to talk to anyone or try to make myself do anything, which would add to those feelings of shame and worthlessness.

Now, I have a little bit more perspective. I have a faint notion in the back of my mind that remembers that what I'm thinking/feeling may not be actual reality. It's wayyy back there though, deep in that pile of dark thoughts. I stay in bed for a while, finally cry a little and let some of it go. I write about how I'm feeling and that lets another bit of it out, too.

Writing has helped the most today. Sometimes once I see my thoughts on paper I can make more sense of them, rather than just having them swirl around in a dark haze in my brain.

Once I am able to have some recognition of what's going on, I go just a little easier on myself. I gave myself permission to feel depressed tonight. Not all the time, but at least just tonight. I gave myself permission to hole up for the night and not even brush my teeth (which I hate doing on any day, to be honest). I will let today be today without trying to make it something it's not, and hold onto hope that tomorrow will be better.