The Truth About Coping Skills

I used to work with teenagers at an inpatient treatment facility. One of the things we talked about most were coping skills, and often I would hear the complaint "But coping skills don't work for me!" After a while, I started thinking maybe we weren't being clear on what these things were for, or how they should be used. Once I started explaining these things to the kids they generally adjusted their expectations and became [a little] more receptive. So, I thought I would share them here!

What are coping skills?
Coping skills are things you do to get you through a tough emotion. They can distract you from the feeling, help you express the feeling, help you calm down, etc.


Coping Skills: A Disclaimer
Coping skills do not make the bad feelings go away completely!

If you're feeling furiously angry, taking a deep breath and squeezing a stress ball is not going to turn you instantly into a Tibetan monk. Coping skills are meant to take the danger out of a feeling, so you can feel them in a safe way and prevent impulsive decisions. Please don't expect coping skills to take away emotions. If you're feeling furiously angry, taking a deep breath and squeezing a stress ball may help keep you from saying something you'll regret, and give you enough presence of mind to leave the situation. This is more what you should expect.

Sometimes it takes multiple coping skills to get through an emotion!

I always thought taking deep breaths was stupid because it didn't make me feel any better. I would breathe and breathe and it would end up making me more upset because I didn't think it was working. Now I know that taking a deep breath is only the first in a string of coping skills that could work for me. Say I get frustrated because somebody was a jerk to me, first I'll take a few deep breaths so keep myself under control. If that's not enough, then maybe I'll play a game on my phone to distract me. If that's not enough, maybe I'll try going for a short walk. Maybe that will be enough. But if it's not, maybe I'll write how I'm feeling on a piece of paper and then call my sister. Then that's enough. Use a few coping skills, keep them coming! We always had the kids write a bunch of coping skills during their stay, so they could have a big buffer of coping skills in their back pockets.

Coping skills are a SHORT TERM solution and should not be expected to solve your problems!

Finding and using coping skills is SO important in learning to deal with your emotions! But, it's not the only thing you're going to have to do. We all have problems - big, small, from childhood, from yesterday - that we have to deal with. Coping skills treat the symptoms of a problem. For example, say a person has unaddressed vision problems and keeps getting headaches. They are in pain, so they may try taking some Tylenol, putting an ice pack on their head, massaging their neck, laying down in a dark room. Those things will help the headaches, but the headaches are just gonna keep on coming until they address the vision problems, right? Same thing with emotional issues. If a person has trauma they have not dealt with, self esteem issues, problems in a relationship, etc., no amount of coping skills is going to heal the painful emotions that come with that. Sometimes coping skills can help - journaling is an example of a coping skill that can help shift a person's perspective and facilitate healing, but in general, coping skills don't solve problems. And the problems don't go away on their own, either. I have worked with people in their 60s-70s who are still suffering from problems in their childhood. This is where therapy comes in.

Not all coping skills work for all people at all times

Some people love to meditate, others hate it. Some people love going out into nature, other people would rather poke their eye out than go for a hike. Some days reading a book helps you feel better, other days it doesn't. Everyone responds to things differently, and that's totally normal and ok. Just make sure you have a small stockpile of coping skills ready to go. Chances are you already have a few under your belt that you're not aware of yet. If not, or if you don't feel like you have enough (can we ever have enough??), force yourself to try something new, even if it seems lame, and give it a chance. You'll probably be surprised.

A few of my personal favorite coping skills:
- Taking a walk
- Listening to podcasts/YouTube videos
- Watching Bob's Burgers
- Being with my dog Clara
- Thinking about something I'm excited for (right now it's buying a house!)
- Journaling
- Lay down and listen to a guided meditation

More coping skills. I have used these resources myself both personally and in groups!

117 Healthy Coping Skill by Teen Beauty Tips
http://www.teen-beauty-tips.com/support-files/117-healthy-coping-skills.pdf

100 Things to Do When You're Upset (The Sad Trombone List) by Gala Darling
http://galadarling.com/article/100-things-to-do-when-youre-upset-the-sad-trombone-list/

Coping Skills Toolbox (can also be found on Pinterest)
http://www.buzznet.com/2013/03/lets-make-coping-skills-toolbox/

Coping Skills
https://myjourneywithdepression.wordpress.com/2013/02/21/coping-skills-2/
(A really, really helpful worksheet that explains different types of coping skills, how they function, and the pros and cons of each kind.)