Happy is not the point

Don't worry, be happy!
Happiness is a choice!
I just want to be happy!
Do what makes you happy.
Choose happiness!
Why aren't you happy?
Are you happy yet?
How about now?

*sigh* Does anyone else get the same overwhelm with all the "happy" messages we get?

For most of my life, I was under the impression that most people were happy all the time. They went about their days in a good mood, smiling, feeling great, occasionally getting sad or frustrated, but at the end of the day they went back to happy.  I thought this is just how it was supposed to be. Displaying or admitting to other types of emotions in public is generally discouraged in our everyday American society, so I got the message that I should be happy most, if not all, of the time.

I wasn't. I tend to be more on the opposite end of the spectrum. Instead of staying generally within the realm of 'happy' throughout the day, I probably feel the FULL range of emotions at least once every day. I can rotate between depressed, anxious, happy, annoyed, insecure, frustrated, downright angry, confused and angsty all in one day. (Yeah, I'm a real treat some days haha!)  You can understand my frustration, then, when I had this expectation of myself to feel 'happy' MOST of the time. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just feel happy like I was supposed to? Isn't the point of life to be happy? What am I doing wrong??

Now don't get me wrong. I think that some lucky people are genuinely in a happy mood most of the time. Whether it's part of their personalities, or they expect less or have more serotonin in their brains or have been taught this way or whatever it is, I believe that some people can genuinely feel happy almost all the time. Having talked to quite a few people about their emotions in my line of work, however, I tend to think that more people are more like me - having a rotation of emotions with 'happiness' popping in there every so often.

So I want you to think about these questions:

- What does 'happy' even mean?
- Is there a difference between 'happy' and 'happiness'?
- What have you learned from your family and society about happiness?

Seriously, take a minute and think about each of the questions. What does happy mean to you? Is the concept of 'happy' different than 'happiness'? Why or why not? And what expectations or judgments were there for you around 'happiness' in your family or social group?

Here is my opinion. Without going into the deep, spiritual philosophical theories of happiness, I like to look at it this way:

Happy is a mood. Not a state of being.
And moods change. They just do.


So if we aren't 'happy' all the time, or even half the time, or even 1/8 of the time, what's the point?

Here is my opinion again: You get to decide what the point is.

For me, I'm finding that the pursuit of 'acceptance' is doing a pretty good job at taking the place of the pursuit of happiness. The pursuit of helping others understand their emotions through my career is, too. These things aren't fleeting, like 'happy' is for me. They are standing the test of time, where I can feel positive emotions from them on a long-term basis. I'm sure they will change, too. I think the "point" of our lives changes every once in a while.

About a year ago, I painted a sign that says "Happy is not the point" and had it hanging on my bedroom wall for several months. This was a source of relief for me. It was a reminder that it's ok to not feel happy all the time and I don't need to have that expectation of myself. Moodiness is normal for me, and it's not necessary for me to fight myself all day to make myself feel 'happy'. To me, expecting to be in a 'happy' mood state is unrealistic and actually damaging to my sense of self. I feel what I consider 'happy' maybe a couple times a day for a few minutes, and I'm starting to come to terms with that.

Again, some people genuinely feel happy most of the time, with a little sadness, anger, fear thrown in there. That's normal. Other people feel upset, tired, frustrated, confused, etc. more of the time with a little happy thrown in there. That can be normal too. Your emotions are your own.

 As I've practiced accepting these things, I don't feel 'happy' more often. What I do feel is more peace, more love, and more acceptance of myself and others. This is how I'm defining my 'happiness', my state of being. And I prefer it over happy anyway.

_______________________________
Book recommendation:
Emotions by Osho
(This book changed the way I think about my emotions very much for the better. Can be purchased on Amazon or downloaded at Amazon kindle)