"Happiness is a Choice" -- ARGH

I had to a take a deep breath before writing this post, because this is something that fires me up.

I'm going to tackle the trendy phrases that send the message: "Happiness is a choice".

Ok.

Look -- it is to a point. And maybe it's more of a choice for a lot of people without mental health issues. But for us, that message can feel so shaming and triggers thoughts like "Well then I must be doing something wrong". I struggled and pondered over this message through several years of being ashamed of myself for not being "happy" before I figured out what really bothered me about it. I want to break down my thoughts on why.

First of all, "happiness". What does this even mean?  What does happy feel like?  Does it feel like your chest is going to burst with joy?  Does it feel like a mild sense of comfort, or a wild thrill of excitement?  Does this mean that you are never sad? Or that you just never appear sad/angry/scared?

How often are you 'supposed' to be happy? Are you supposed to feel positive 95% of the time to have found happiness? 90%? 80%? 50%? Does "happiness" mean that even underneath your sadness/anger/fear you are actually happy?

What did your family tell you about happiness?  What did you learn about happiness from the people around you growing up?  The people around you now?  What does the media say about happiness?

Obviously, no one has a perfect answer.  People have been having theories around happiness for thousands and thousands of years.  Nobody REALLY knows. 

You have to figure out what "happiness" means for YOU.


Some people are cheerful easily. Their default is cheerful and optimistic. Their default is laid-back, take it easy, let's have fun. There ARE people like that, and the "choice" for them to be "happy" is a relatively easy one.  These people don't understand why we can't do it; they usually aren't trying to shame you or make you feel bad, they just have no context.  There are also people who choose to be negative, cranky, and choose to complain a lot, even though they don't have to and it may not really be that much work to knock it off.  For them, too, "happiness" may be an easier choice.

Then there are the people who are not naturally "happy" all the time.  Even most of the time, or half the time, sometimes any of the time.  Many of these people usually have had something (or multiple things) terrible happen and they haven't been able to work through it properly.  Not always, but often.  Trauma and terrible life events can actually change your brain, making happiness physically harder.  Did you know that?  Very few people can think their way out of their emotions.  Have you ever told anyone to calm down when they were really mad?  Did it work?  That's why...it is EXTREMELY difficult to "think" your way out of a feeling.  And to tell yourself you "shouldn't" be feeling this way is common.  We get this message a lot from various sources.  Anger is bad, your emotions make you hard to love, hard to be around, nobody likes a downer, you're over-reacting, suck it up.

You don't have to be happy all the time.  Right now, you don't have to be happy.  It's ok for you to feel exactly how you feel, right now.  Right now, you don't have to pretend.  It's fine to NOT BE OK right now if you aren't ok.

Now the flip side.  Having a natural tendency for other, more unpleasant emotions for whatever reasons doesn't mean you can't ever feel happy.  And it doesn't mean that choice is completely out of the equation.  IT CAN GET BETTER, and you DO have some power in that. However, our expectations need to change.

If "unhappiness" is our reality - to constantly feel insecure, angry, depressed, unlovable, unworthy, a loser, a screw up - then our goal is not to jump over the Grand Canyon of emotions and land on the other side into sheer bliss.  Of course you're going to crash if you do this.  Whether or not we realize it, this is what we expect of ourselves sometimes when we say "Tomorrow I will be so fun and happy", "Next time I see them I will be happy".  That's typically completely unrealistic, and we don't need to expect that of ourselves.  Because it's not about being perfect, it's about getting ONE STEP BETTER.  One step in a direction of kindness to ourselves.

This is more what we should expect when we start to "choose happiness":

- To start learning to say "It's ok" to ourselves when we feel something we don't like
- To let ourselves look in the mirror with a neutral point of view, rather than searching for things to hate

- To let yourself hope that your life could be better
- To allow yourself to consider the idea that somebody loves you, or could love you, for YOU
- To consider the idea that maybe there are some good things about you, even if you don't know what they are yet
- To give ourselves permission to spend a little money and get a treat we like when we feel awful
- To let yourself think about the idea that maybe there are GOOD REASONS for why you are the way you are, even if you don't know them yet
- To let ourselves be proud when we do something hard, even if it's making a phone call or taking a shower
- To let yourself consider that maybe, just maybe, one day you could figure out what "happiness" is for you, and feel it more often than you feel terrible

Because what if you could?  WHAT IF YOU DID?  What if it were true?

Even these steps may be very hard for you, and that's ok.  Everyone starts in a different place.

Healing and getting better takes courage, it takes time.  It takes hope and hard work.  It takes learning, sacrifice, and letting go of what you can't control.  It's not simple the way saying "Happiness is a choice" makes it sound.  It takes letting yourself have help, and it takes letting other people support you.  It takes learning to forgive yourself and others.  I don't want to lie and make healing sound like a easy, simple process, because it's not. 

BUT

You CAN GET BETTER. 
You CAN FEEL HAPPINESS. 
You can heal. 
You can. 
I promise. 
I've seen it.
Even if it doesn't seem like it right now, or tomorrow, or in six months.

You can.